


Service

by Diaphenia



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prostitution, F/M, Sitcomathon Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2018-02-17 06:08:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2299298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diaphenia/pseuds/Diaphenia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Jake Peralta, at your service,” he said. </p><p>“And that service would be...?”</p><p>“Time and attention for the lonely."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Service

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kyra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyra/gifts).



> Found under Kyra's "fic I wish existed" tag, “You’d make a decent prostitute”/"I’d make an amazing prostitute.”
> 
> With much love to throwingpens

 

“Who are you?” Amy asked of the wavy haired lady who answered the door.

“Diva’s a female version of a hustla,” she said, tossing her hair around. “And you’ve not begun to hear me sing.”

Amy looked around the tiny apartment. “The ad said this was— I’m straight, is the thing.”

“Ok, sure you are” she said with a laugh. “Only because it’s not five dollar martini night. I’m Gina, by the way.” She shook Amy’s hand for entirely too long, stroking it softly in way that made Amy squirm. “Straight. Sure. But Jake’s in the other room. You know the terms, right?”

“The ad said _$100 dollars for an hour_ but it was sort of vague on the specifics.”

“Obviously it’s to rent his time. Anything beyond time spent alone is up to you two.”

“Right, but is he going to ask me too—”

“What are you, the popo? Get in there.” Gina shoved her, flat-out shoved her, into a bedroom that looked like every 20 something guy she’d ever heard Kylie talk about. Dirty pizza boxes, that poster of the guy in the college sweater, empty beer cans. Overhead lighting.

And there was a guy on the bed, brown hair, nice eyes. She was momentarily distracted by them.

“Jake Peralta, at your service,” he said.

“And that service would be...?”

“Time and attention for the lonely. And you are?”

“Amy.”

“What’re you? Bored housewife?”

Amy balked.

“No, you’d have a tan line on your ring finger. And you can’t be a busy law student.”

“I could be.”

“Nah, they’re never dressed up outside of school. You’d be in sweatpants. Maybe you’re a school teacher too concerned she’ll run into one of her student’s parents at the bars. You have the ponytail for it.”

“Absolutely. I teach the— second grade. So, you’ve been doing this for a while, then?”

“I’m just really good at reading people. It’s one of the reasons I want to go to the academy.”

“The academy? The police academy?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve wanted to be a detective since I was a little kid. You should’ve seen me,” he said, pulling a picture out of his wallet. “This was when I was seven.”

It had to be illegal for kids to dress up as cops and be adorable. It just had to be.

“It’s like, I just know I’d be a great cop,” he said, a smile on his face. “When I was a kid, it was just me and my mom, and we lived in the bad part of town. Sometimes there’d be a shooting, and she wouldn’t sleep for weeks, in her own home because she felt so unsafe. And I just want to make sure everyone feels safe.”

“I know what that’s like,” Amy said softly. “To want to help people and make sure everyone feels secure.”

“Is that why you became a teacher?”

“Yeah… a teacher.”

He shrugged. “But, you know, the money’s an issue.”

“And that’s why you’re doing this?” she asked, feeling something a lot like sympathy.

“Enough about me,” he said. “I’m here for you.” He kissed her hard on the mouth. It was really good, probably the best kiss she’d ever had. She yelped in surprise, and he grinned against her.

Then he ripped off his breakaway pants.

She’s pretty sure she’s going to throw up. She made one last attempt. “Just to warn you, I like the weird stuff.”

Jake froze. “Well, I’m not saying _no_ to butt stuff, but it’s going to cost extra.”

 _Thank god_ , she thought, pulling out the handcuffs. “You’re under arrest for attempted solicitation.”

She expected a fight. She expected him to run. She did not expect him to look so hurt.

“I thought you were here for me,” he said softly.

“I work for the nine-nine, vice squad. Prostitution is illegal, I hope you know.”

“I know,” he moaned, head in hands. “I’ve never done this before! I just wanted to be a detective so bad, and Gina thought this would be a great idea—"

“Gina planned this? Is she your pimp?”

“No! She’s most certainly not involved in anyway. Take me, just don’t do anything to her.”

“Why would you do this?”

“I needed the money, and Craigslist make it so easy, and and then you were so pretty.”

“Tell that to the judge,” she said, looking away. “Not that part about how pretty I am.”

“I guess the one thing I couldn’t solve was how to tell you didn’t really want me.”

Amy groaned. She’d never once made an exception for a perp, but seeing him as a baby with a bright future was really making her second-guess herself. She wanted to be tough on crime, impress her colleagues, and make detective before she hits twenty-five. This collar would mean good things for her promotion, but— she couldn't do it.

She uncuffed him.

He looked shocked.

“Don’t do this again,” she said. “I mean it. Half of my job’s monitoring the internet for solicitation. If I see you back on Craigslist so much as selling your underwear—”

“Do people really buy dude underwear?”

“You would be shock and appalled— well, I would be shocked and appalled. I don’t really know you.” She patted his shoulder. “But I think the NYPD could use more guys like you.”

He put his hand over hers. “Do you want to, like, get some ice cream, or—?”

“Misreading the moment,” she said, firmly placing his hand back in his lap. “But maybe one day, we’ll be colleagues.”

“We might even be partners!” he said.

She shook her head. “Or I might be your boss.”


End file.
